dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
