Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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