i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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