I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
