Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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