i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
