she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
