I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
