I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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