Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
