my soul wont recognize me after tonight
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
a search helicopter?!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
