why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
