oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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