i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
