i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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