why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
if only i could text you this smell
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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