dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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