The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
