Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
