My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
