I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
