I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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