come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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