Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
