Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
