whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
