Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
