His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
