i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
