He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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