1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
