thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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