I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
