Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
