That's intense
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Randomize
