Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
