He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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