You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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