Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
