not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
