I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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