If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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