nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
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