Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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