i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
