I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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