dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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