I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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