So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
