last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
