you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
