Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
