for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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