Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
