I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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