then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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