Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
