Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
