i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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