But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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